Still looking HOT at 44.
Man… I wish I can look this good when I’m 40.
Once again, Happy Belated Birthday, Yoshiki-sama! (Gomen =P)
hide’s birthday is coming up next… =’)
The bond that brought us together,
the strings attached to our hearts.
Broken as time passes me,
like a withering flower loses its colour.
Our *love begin to fade, slowly.
Holding on till the very end,
I wish time would stop, even for a while…
The reality reflected in these eyes loses its beauty.
Even your smile that appears is not saving me.
The meaning of falling into decay
It has come to an end…
Tears hold no meanings to this tainted heart,
screaming at the emotions that crushed you to death.
Drowning in the depths of emptiness
The last chapter was written …
Forgive me for giving up,
I just want to be happy again …
Please abandon instincts. I was stuck in a loop of a vicious circle
- Before I Decay
There is a little madness going on now. If I don’t let it out, it might become another episode of “Miserable at Best”.
I’ve been thinking lately, about sharing thoughts and problems with someone. But then again, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Ultimately, it comes down to “Trust”. I wouldn’t say I don’t trust anyone, but rather I feel that certain issues are best to keep them to yourself. The more it’s reveal, the more troublesome it will get later on. Shit happens and it has happened way too many times before. Ain’t gonna try my luck on that anymore. Rather, I would say my thoughts here, as an open and general POV.
Okay, so lately I feel that I’m not being appreciated. It made me mad, and yes I said things that I may regret but I only meant half of what I said. This has always been my problem. When my blood boils, I say things without thinking and I apologize for that. I’m feeling a lot better now for those of you who are concerned. So what’s the matter? I guess I was too much of a busybody. My efforts were overlooked and I was left a angry man. Caring for someone should be unconditioned yet I’ve failed to realize that on many occasions. I thought if I can give “this much”, I should take back “that much”, it’s not supposed to be like this, isn’t it? I care and love the Usuals very much, but some times the behaviors and attitudes that they showed get me pissed. I feel like I’m always the one giving in, not being appreciated for the efforts I’ve put in and the little things I did, they don’t see it. I’m not firm on my stand and I seem to be falling apart. Ya, negativity was knocking on my door. So I took a step back and really just THINK. I realized I was wrong! So god-damned wrong about everything. I was the petty one. I was seeking for attention and acknowledgment of the things I’ve done. I wasn’t doing things right in the first place, my mind went off the wrong way from start and I was behaving like a 3 years old child, throwing tantrums to gain attention. HAH! I caught myself there. I hope it isn’t too late. Believe me I wanna change, and I’m trying my best now. I guess time will tell so please keep watching this space 
Alright to the next issue …
Up till now, I still get nervous whenever I text or call Chan. It’s always the first text message that got my heart racing and honestly, I don’t know why. Talking to her makes me happy. On days when I’m down, I would text her. Not to complain or rant, but just to chat because by some magical powers, her messages always manage to bring a smile on my face 
I should know why ;P So maybe it’s true that I can’t live without you … Haha.
With that aside, I get the feeling that she still isn’t comfortable being around me. I’ve got to work hard on that and I need to bring out that real side of me, because quite honestly, I wasn’t really comfortable and being myself around her. I don’t want to have any regrets anymore. For the past year, I’ve changed a lot of my approach. I try to text her less often for fear that it might get irritating at some point even though I want to hear from her so much everyday. My intention was never to check on her or stuff like that (I’m not that kinda of psycho!), I’m just concern with what’s going on in her life and I want to be part of it. I want to be there for her, protect her from any harm. Listen to her problems, lend her a shoulder to cry on. Support and encourage her through tough times. Be her hero, her strength, anything she need.
Chan, I’m just right outside your heart, waiting for you to open up to me. Give me a chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I’m right here … waiting.
I asked Chan, “Do you want to see F and P together?”
Chan replied “No, not really…”
Then what about us?
I’ve been courting Chan for a year now, I don’t know if she knows or if I’m doing things right at all. She isn’t responding to me.
I’m not good at this, but I’m trying.
The rest of the Usuals have been telling me to be patient and keep holding on.
But am I holding onto something that isn’t there in the first place?
I really wanna know how she feels about me. I need some answers.
In a maze without an end, why do you still breathe?
- THE INVISIBLE WALL
For all the pain I’ve caused you. I never meant for any of these to happen.
All I wanted was a little time with you.
I just wanna know how have you been for the past month, listen to your problems/worries or anything that is going on in your life now.
But I guess I should leave you alone now …
All the best for your exam, I’m sure you will do well =)
Please take care.
I’ll be here … waiting for you.
Life is bleeding from fear.
Drums is a place where you are able to express your feelings without using words. It’s something that is closest to your five senses
-戒
Where should I go from here.
